


What Do I Say?

by thefutureisequalaf



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 17:15:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13528902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefutureisequalaf/pseuds/thefutureisequalaf
Summary: Kara knows her deception has gone on too long. It's past time to tell Lena. But what to say?Set after 312.





	What Do I Say?

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to deal with my feelings about the canon Kara deceiving Lena. I hope you get some enjoyment out of it :)

What do I say?

I’ve lied to you. I lied when we were acquaintances, I lied when we were friends, and now I’ve lied when we’re close. At first, it was because I didn’t trust you. I had no reason to. Once I did, it was because you didn’t need to know for me to be your friend. This time, I told myself that it wasn’t about you – it was about James, sitting there. I didn’t want him involved. Telling you my secret should be between you and me – yet that feels like an excuse. It doesn’t justify me lying to you.

I’m supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to stand up for what I believe in, and I believe in truth. I shouldn’t lie to you. I don’t think it’s a matter of you deserving to know, and I’m not obligated to tell you, but I shouldn’t lie to you, not now that we’re close. Why, then, is it so hard to stop? But I know why: the weight of seriousness, the expectations of the people I work with… It’s easier to play by the DEO’s rules; nobody knows who doesn’t need to. You don’t need to.

I tell myself that, and my heart cries out in protest. It calls me a liar and a coward. If there are any two things I refuse to be, it’s those two, but here I am. No defense I can muster satisfies me.

Then what do I say? I’ve spent so much time thinking about my responsibilities that I’ve only recently begun to ask myself what I want. It’s hard to answer, as though I’m out of practice. I suppose I am. I ask myself what I want, and my thoughts lead back to you. I want to see you smile. I want to spend more time with the version of you who wears her hair down. You’re softer like that. Your quirks, your likes, your vulnerabilities come to the surface when you take your hair down. It’s the Lena Luthor outside the office, the one it’s a privilege to know. Then there are your eyes. I’ve seen the way they light with joy and hope. I want to see that light again. I’d see it every day, if I could.

I want to be why they light.

A part of me suspects – hopes – that I already am.

My heart groans, not in protest but in longing. I want you to know. I desire it. Not for an admirable moral reason, but for a personal one. I want you to know me. I want you to know that all of me is here for all of you. I think you believe that to be true, but I want you to know how true it is. I want to know that when your eyes light for me, they light for all of who I am, because that’s what I want to love you with – all of myself. Maybe I should have had the strength of character to have told you already, but I’m here now.

Yes, Lena, I flew you from Catco. Yes, when you brought it up, reaching out to me with honesty and vulnerability, I lied reflexively and dismissively. I’m sorry, Lena. You are worth… so much better than that. You are worth everything to me. From this moment on, I will always tell you the truth, the same way I’ve always been here for you, always stood up for you, and always protected you, because there’s another thing I’ll always do.

I love you, Lena Luthor. I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :) If you liked, share your thoughts with me in the comments!


End file.
